Bert's father was a two-bit middle-man, His mother was a shameless hooker from a one-horse town on the Jersyshore. He is the 3rd born of 9 children, he has 7 sisters and 1 brother. When he was 7 his toothless mother died of a drug overdose after taking a hot-shot of dope in the cracker barrel bathroom one week before she was slated to be on the Jerry Springer Show. Bert's father died of auto-erotic-asphyxiation in the basement of a wafflehouse when bert was 11.